


I Just Can't Let You Go

by FantasyScribe



Series: I Hate How Much I Love You [2]
Category: Be More Chill
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 16:44:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12775179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FantasyScribe/pseuds/FantasyScribe
Summary: Different moments during I Hate How Much I Love You, only in Michael's POV.





	I Just Can't Let You Go

Michael knew exactly when he fell in love with Jeremy Heere. It was love at first sight when they were 3 years old.

Jeremy and his parents had recently moved from California. Maria Mell made it her personal business to greet everyone that was new to the neighborhood. That also meant forcing her husband and sons to do the same. This would be the first time Michael met a boy his own age though. His anxiety had not been any different back then than it would be in the future. When his mom had told him about the new kid and how nice it would make friends with him, Michael felt like he was going to throw up at any second. Michael remembers the nausea going away when he first saw Jeremy Heere come into his living room.

He was peeking out from behind his dad’s leg. Jeremy was little for his age, the dark blue sweater he wore had a yellow dumpster truck on it. His blue jeans hung off him, showing the top part of his diaper (Jeremy wasn’t completely toilet trained till he was four). He wore white Nikes with a black Velcro band across the top. Michael remembers liking his shoes, but he was too stuck on his face to notice at the time.

The boy in front of him had a thick mop of curly brown hair on the top of his head. A pair of crystal blue eyes looked at him shyly from behind thick brown eyelashes. His bottom lip was pouted out, making his lips look plumper than they really were. Light freckles were scattered across his nose and cheeks in disarray. He was cute.

Michael remembers the first words he said in front of Jeremy Heere were, “Cute mommy! He’s cute!” as he pointed at the boy still hiding behind his dad’s leg. Little Michael didn’t know it at the time, but that warm, fuzzy feeling he got when he first saw Jeremy was love. Michael Mell, however, would not know the name of this feeling till he was 14 in junior high when Jeremy met Christine Canigula.

She had moved from New York City to New Jersey because of her dad’s job relocation. Jeremy Heere would NOT shut up about her for weeks on end. At first, Michael thought he was just annoyed at Jeremy for talking about her ALL the time. Maybe he was just getting on Michael’s nerves? It wasn’t until he saw Jeremy stutteringly talking to Christine in the halls one day that he realized that the nauseous irritation he felt was jealously. The second thing he noticed was that he had the biggest crush on his best friend and had since he first saw him. He knew it was love when he watched Jeremy fall asleep that night on the couch as they played video games (the basement had been brother’s territory back then). Jeremy’s head had rolled onto his shoulder, he began to mutter unintelligibly against Michael, his controller dangling off the side of the couch. It was quiet in the house, his parents had gone to sleep, his brother was doing who knows what in the basement, and it was just him sitting in silence in front of a blinking videogame screen.

Michael looked over at his friend’s sleeping face. His feelings had hit him like a freight train. He was in love with Jeremiah George Heere. It was a shock. He wasn’t gay, at least he didn’t think he was. It was a revelation that wouldn’t completely stick until he was 17. It had been easier to accept that he was in love with Jeremy than the other. It wasn’t until he found himself checking out guys with the same build as Jeremy that he knew he was definitely gay, and he had a specific type.

After confessing his preference to Jeremy, he was scared that would be the end of their friendship. That was until Jeremy told him he was bi! How had he not noticed? He had a chance! Then it hit him, no he didn’t have a chance. Jeremy was a heart on his sleeve type of guy. Michael would have noticed by now if Jeremy was interested in him. It was a disappointment, but he couldn’t force Jeremy to love him if he wasn’t his type. Jeremy had to be given a choice. So, Michael decided to suffer in silence, just like how he had been for years now.

____________________________________________________________

            Being sexually active with Jeremy of all people was the single greatest thing that had happened in Michael Mell’s life. The only thing that would beat it would be if Jeremy confessed his love for him, which wouldn’t happen any time soon. Jeremy had a high libido, Michael knew this from countless past experiences of walking in on Jeremy masturbating. If Jeremy chose Michael as his new outlet, then who was Michael to tell him no?

            Every time they furthered their experiences Michael was in a total state of bliss. All he had to do was close his eyes and imagine Jeremy was doing these things with him because he loved him.

            When they first had sex, it was one of the best moments of Michael’s life. The way Jeremy had clung to him and moved in his arms had been incredible. It had taken everything in him not to tell Jeremy that he loved him during, or after, or before, or throughout everything. Point was, he loved Jeremy, and sleeping with him had made him fall even deeper. He spent the next few months sleeping with Jeremy because he knew that each time could be their last. Until the day came when it was their last.

            Dustin was nice, hell, he was handsome, sexy, and a great kisser. The problem was that he wasn’t Jeremy. He didn’t snort when he laughed, he didn’t look down bashfully when Michael gave him a compliment, he didn’t have crystal blue eyes that connected with Michael’s soul, he was NOT Jeremy.

            Dustin Kropp was a fantastic kisser. Michael could admit that easily. The only problem was that it did nothing for him, it was just lips against lips. There was no spark. He didn’t feel an overwhelming desire to latch on to Dustin and never let go. It was slightly disappointing. He was hoping to at least feel something with someone other than Jeremy, someone who would return Michael’s feelings. But, it was not to be. He felt nothing.

            Which was why “Jeremy!” was what he moaned when he felt Dustin’s fingers touch the skin underneath his hoodie. He had felt bad, but Dustin had been very cool about it. They were both embarrassed initially, but after talking it out, they decided it was better to remain friends.

            “I honestly don’t feel it either man. I mean…I like you, but I don’t see myself being into you like that, y’know?” Dustin asked, scratching his neck nervously. Michael nodded.

            “Yeah, I get it. I’m sorry I led you on like that though, that wasn’t cool of me,” Michael said looking down in shame.

            “Hey, it’s okay. I don’t see it that way. I did go along with it because I wanted to go out with a guy for once. It’s been frustrating not being able to date who I want because of my parents. I should be apologizing to you.”

            “Nah. Since we’re being honest, I’ll tell you that the only reason I told Rich and Jake I was into you because I was trying to get over Jeremy,” Michael said. Dustin laughed.

            “Well, I guess neither one of us are innocent huh?”

            Michael laughed too. “I guess not.” Dread suddenly overtook him, and he looked over at the closet. Oh no! Jeremy could have overheard them just now. The closet, however, was opened and empty. Michael gave a sigh of relief, but then felt sick. He hadn’t noticed Jeremy leave, which meant he must have left when he and Dustin had been making out. Well, Jeremy didn’t make a scene, so he mustn’t have care one way or the other. And that was really depressing to think about.

            Jeremy didn’t contact him the next day, so he didn’t either. He didn’t want Jeremy thinking he cared what he thought about him and Dustin. That would leave too many questions to be asked, and answers that he didn’t want to know. He was such a coward.

            The next month was hell for Michael. Jeremy and Christine were dating again, and Michael had never felt so miserable. Jeremy was still talking to him and spending time with him with the others, but never alone. It hurt more than the first time they had dated. Michael figured it was because he now knew what it was like to _be_ with Jeremy, and he didn’t want to imagine Jeremy being with anyone else other than him. It kept him up at night thinking about what Jeremy was doing with Christine. Did they kiss? Did they have _sex_? Did she know Jeremy’s neck was sensitive when you nuzzled it just right? Did she know Jeremy moaned just right when you bit his right earlobe, but not his left? How much did she know about the Jeremy Michael now knew but no one else did? Rich did ask if Jeremy and Christine did _stuff_. Jeremy didn’t deny it! Jeremy liked girls and boys. Maybe he like girls more than boys, or maybe he just didn’t want Michael anymore?

            Michael started to sniffle one night while in bed. Jeremy was tired of him. All those times he held Jeremy, Jeremy had been thinking about Christine. It had never been about Michael and Jeremy, he was still playing second fiddle to Christine Canigula. It was Jr. high and the beginning of high school all over again. A large part of him wanted to hate her, but the smaller part knew that she had done nothing wrong. Chris was his friend. She was out going, quirky, talented, and so many other things that Michael wasn’t. Tears spilled from his eyes as he thought more about it. Stupid Jeremy, stupid Christine.

________________________________________________________________

            Michael didn’t remember much about Christmas Eve. He was sober, then he wasn’t. He remembered thinking Jeremy and Christine were getting engaged, which hurt like a bitch. And next he remembered getting Jeremy’s gift and thinking how much they thought alike, how on the same wavelength they were. They could read each other’s thoughts just by making eye contact. They were soulmates, Jeremy just didn’t know it. Damn him.

            So, Michael did what he did best, and ran. He broke into the Canigula’s liquor cabinet and took the whiskey Rich and Jake had brought. Then, he proceeded to drown out all thoughts of Jeremy Heere.

            He woke up the next morning in his basement with a terrible hangover. How he got there, he didn’t know. He sat up and looked around. The heater was on, his glasses were off, along with his clothes, and his face felt surprisingly moist instead of dry. He turned to see his clothes folded neatly beside him. Considering he came in late drunk, his family was quiet upstairs. His mom was not currently scolding him, so this must mean they didn’t have a clue about his night time activities. Thinking through it, Jeremy must have taken him home last night. He was the only one who would know where he spent his time during Christmas. At least this meant he knew Jeremy still cared. That meant someone must have driven Jeremy back, and it had to be a guy. Their female friends wouldn’t have been able to drag his body around, especially down the basement stairs.

            Michael reached for his phone and called Dustin. Rich and Jake had been drinking, and neither would have driven an intoxicated Michael to his house and back without sobering up first. Dustin picked up on the third ring.

            “Hey! Glad to hear your alive!” Dustin laughed. Michael winced at the loud sound in his ear.

            “Shh! I am, but my head doesn’t feel it!” Michael groaned, holding his aching head.

            “Sorry man,” Dustin said sheepishly on the other side of the phone.

            “It’s fine. I called to ask how I got home last night. I don’t remember anything,” he said, massaging the space in between his eyes.

            “Oh…I took you home last night, you were completely wasted. Everyone else was too drunk to hel-,” Dustin began to yammer. Michael knew what his lying voice sounded like. He tried to pull a fast one on Michael when he tried sushi for the first time. No one who liked sushi looked that green. And no one who liked it talked about it for over an hour after eating it.

            “Cut the crap Dustin. Jeremy helped you, didn’t he?” Michael interrupted. Dustin went silent before answering.

            “Yeah, he did. He told me not to tell you,” Dustin said quietly, Michael had to strain to hear him.

            “Why would he tell you not to tell me?” Michael asked curiously.

            Dustin went silent. Michael frowned.

            “Dustin…what’s going on?”

            “Okay! I know it is NONE of my business, but I thought about it last night and I can’t just not say anything,” Dustin began. Michael’s frown deepened.

            “What are you talking about?” he asked.

            Dustin began to tell Michael about what Jeremy had told him. Jeremy loved him? Was _in_ love with him? Co-dependency? What. The. Hell? Michael saw red. How dare Jeremy keep this from him?! If he loved Michael so much then why was he with Christine? What made him think that it was okay to decide to keep them a part for their own good? What gave him the right to decide that without talking to Michael? Jeremy was so…so…so STUPID!

            After hanging up with Dustin, Michael ran upstairs past his family to throw on whatever clothes and shoes he could find. When he ran outside, he saw that his car was lodged deep in ice and snow. Silently cursing, he began to run through the sludge towards Jeremy’s house.

            When he got there, he was bent over in exhaustion. He really needed to start working out. After catching his breath, he rang Jeremy’s door bell. He felt a chill run up his spine as he looked over to see Christine’s snowed in car in the Heere’s driveway. What the hell was she doing here? By the looks of her truck, she had been there all night. When the door opened, he turned to see Christine standing there in a flannel night gown. Her dark hair was askew, and she was looking up at him curiously. He felt years of resentment overflowing out of him as he glared down at her.

            Why was she always in the way?! Why couldn’t she just leave Jeremy alone! Why couldn’t she just be like every other stuck up bitch that nerds like Jeremy fell for? Why was she here in he and Jeremy’s space? Why couldn’t she just let him have Jeremy? Why didn’t Jeremy love him?! No matter what Dustin had told him, Christine was still on top! She was probably _on top_ of Jeremy last night! The thought enraged him.

            The girl suddenly noticed his glare and wilted before him. She suddenly looked scared. Good, she should be!

            “What the hell are you doing here?!” he yelled.

________________________________________________________________________

            Okay, pushing Christine and starting a fight with Jeremy had not been good moves on Michael’s part. Even if he and Jeremy did work everything out, and were together, it still didn’t mean any of the things he did was right. He apologized to Christine, but still bought her a large cherry slushie later that week as an olive branch. Of course, she forgave him and accepted the gift. She really was perfect.

________________________________________________________________________

            Michael had been dating Jeremy for barely a month when he knew he wanted something more permanent. It wasn’t that strange really. They had known one another practically their entire lives, Michael had been in love with him for 14 years. It wasn’t a tough decision. He had even spent the allowance money he had been saving for over 3 years to buy a new car on two silver bands with inscriptions. His car would last him another few years, being together with Jeremy was immeasurable.

            He decided to bide his time and wait till closer to graduation. The end of summer sounded like a perfect time for a wedding. They could get couples housing, share the car, split the grocery bill, and so on. Michael felt elated just thinking about it. He just hoped Jeremy felt the same.

________________________________________________________________________

            Marrying Jeremiah George Heere had been the greatest day of his life, only second to meeting Jeremy for the first time. He thought that he couldn’t love him anymore than he already did, but he was wrong. When Jeremy met him at the back door, Michael was about to faint right then and there. His man looked hot! Slicked over hair, the way his body looked lean in that suit…hell…Michael was ready to get the ceremony over with so he could be alone with him! They hadn’t been alone together hardly any since announcing their engagement. No thanks to his mom and Christine…damn them both.

            He was shaken from his thoughts when Jeremy touched his arm. He smiled at him tenderly. Michael was ecstatic. Jeremiah George Mell…yeah, Michael couldn’t wait to walk forward into his future with _his_ Jeremy by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed a look in to Michael's head! Once again, I love mini Michael and Jeremy!


End file.
